The Mouldering Edifice

They're cranking open the roof of the laboratory at Labour Central Office again and praying for a stormy night.

It is a source of amazement to me that Margaret Beckett is regarded as a serious candidate for the role of Speaker. Were Russell Brand to stand for election as Commissioner for Standards in Broadcasting, there is a slim chance that he might defy expectations and not mention his willy in the acceptance speech. There is, however, no chance at all that Mags would reform the Commons. She is the steady-as-you-go-Lads-and-you'll-be-needing-those-spoons-for-gravy candidate.

This is, after all, a woman who actually managed to have a claim for expenses declined by the Fees Office. So incompetent was her fleecing of the public purse that she actually put in a receipt for having her pergola painted. Officials accustomed to swallowing camels strained out this gnat, so the patched horror was required to dip into her own resources.

Is it any wonder that her campaign slogan is "No Gazebo Left Behind"?

John Bercow, another front runner for the Speaker's job, is regarded (when standing next to Margaret Becket) as a reform candidate, but is in fact a member of the "£23,083 Club": those members distinguished for having claimed the maximum allowable in '07-08. The man does backflips for fish and was forced to write out a cheque for £6,508 at about the same time that his colleagues were shoving thick copies of Hansard down their breeches in expectation of a caning from the Beak.

All of which leaves Ann Widdecombe (the Have I Got News candidate) looking surprisingly acceptable for the role. HIGNFY is, you will recall, the route by which Boris Johnson managed to get elected as London Mayor. On the principle that brand recognition is better than a glowing c.v., Miss Widdecombe becomes the natural People's Choice.

Moreover, she actually managed to make it into The Telegraph's "Saints" section. The poor thing actually commutes to London and doesn't claim for a second home at all.

So she won't win it.

By the time you read this, the issue will probably have been settled, but informed rumour (i.e. baseless speculation) has it that it is the Goldilocks candidate - George (Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold But Just Right) Young - who may yet be dragged protesting to the Speaker's chair. Another member of the £23,083 Club, he has nevertheless avoided the whiff of scandal thus far and does not require a bolt of lightning for reanimation.

On the whole, though, it would be somehow fitting were the Speaker to require the periodic reattachment of limbs. The stench of recent disinterrment would be a reminder to Gordon Brown that he long ago traded the sweet smell of success for that of impending ruin.